Exploring My Broken Heart: Grief, Anger, And That Relationship

I have been struggling with the storm in my mind. The tempest of emotions furiously blowing about, the intermittent heavy deluge of anger and grief comes and strikes my whole body with exceptional precision and stealth and then just suddenly stops to leave me weak and debilitated, freezes me in time. Paralyzed.

I know the things that I have accepted. I have taken accountability for my own faults. I have understood why I chose to end that relationship but for some reason I couldn’t stop going back-and-forth between anger, grief, and the gnawing feelings of abandonment and betrayal.

So I’m writing this now hoping that somehow it helps my brain process whatever residual feelings I may still have for that relationship. I really, really just want to be okay again. For what its worth, I don’t feel the urge to reach out to my ex anymore. I don’t even want to have any form connection with my ex at all. In fact, I’m at the point where I’m solely determined to face my own thoughts and feelings head-on so I can give them their right names and know where to place them. I know I need to do this because somehow I get that when you’re able to define something that takes place within you, you have a bigger chance to finally know exactly what to do with it. It only hurts more than it should when it’s misunderstood and I’m done hurting this way. I need to be more active about certain things in my life especially if it meant giving myself a chance to achieve something, in this case, I just want to feel whole again.

This could be it- my way towards having a deeper connection with myself and move towards healing. I was thinking that maybe I have not learned how to love myself to a degree which could’ve prevented this whole experience and that it was necessary to happen to me to realize that I need to do just that- to love myself enough. That’s what I think and it makes enough sense to me.

Why Are You Upset?

So now, I’m starting off with naming what needs to be named. The objective is to Identify how I really feel and replace that vague and general term “upset” with what it actually is.

I am upset because I feel rejected, unwanted, unloved, left out.

I am upset because, to an extent, I feel worthless.

I am upset because I feel betrayed. I feel lied to for being led to believe that I was loved in my own perception of what love was and I feel humiliated and foolish for clinging to such an idea.

I am upset because my insecurity has been touched and played with. I am upset because I was easily replaced by someone else in the end which I then took as reflection of my own worth.

I am upset because I have been demeaned by someone I trusted to love me whole-heartedly.

I am upset because I feel invalidated, unimportant, inferior.

That’s all, so far. That kind of felt like I just took the biggest shit I have ever shitted out in my entire life. I’m a little exhausted and relieved at the same time. That felt good. Kind of like admitting something you’ve been lying about your entire life. Wow.

I’m a little surprised that I didn’t cry while writing this. I just don’t pity myself like that anymore. I just want to heal. I want to finish what I have to feel and move forward in my life. I have a strong belief that better things are ahead of me and they’re waiting to meet me there. So, no matter how paralyzing it gets right now, no matter how daunting this big change may be, I want to believe in the hope that I have left in me. I want deal with things differently this time. I am done chasing people in the name of love. I don’t have to beg for love if I have enough on my own. I deserve love; the amount and quality that I know I can give myself. So no more begging, no more asking, no more chasing.

I am creating a special graveyard for all of these feelings and, in time, I will bury them one by one with their cute little tombstones. I know It’s going to be a process but like I’ve said before, I am determined to come out of this in one piece. This is my road to wholeness.

Now that I think of it, “Goodbye” is such a holy word in times like these but you have to work hard to be able to use its power. All the best of luck to all of you who need to work hard enough to be able to say “goodbye” and really mean it. We all deserve to be whole and free.